I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
