it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
