the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
