Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
