just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
