she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
