I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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