the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
