god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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