I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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