I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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