Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
