My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
