my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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