Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
