do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
