I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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