Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
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