My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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