May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
