I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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