I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
