well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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