if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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