im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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