I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
