Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i now understand why vodka
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
