You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Randomize
