hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
