I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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