Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
