So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
