Betty ford says i'm here all night
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
