I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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