Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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