I'm lost and stupid without you.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
