I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.