yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."