Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
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They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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