If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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