Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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