I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
