Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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