I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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