i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
