umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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