If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
