Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
