last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
