Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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