i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
