Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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