Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
