Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
