Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
