Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
