Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
