he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
