in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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