sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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