he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
