I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
