I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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